There once with a girl who lived in a shell of herself. Much like any holiday chocolate so you could find – say an Easter Bunny or Santa Claus – there was a hard shell around her and nothing on the inside. Only a large and vacant space occupied her insides. There were thoughts too, that swirled in the air of nothingness, but they weren’t substantial thoughts. They weren’t really anything. Those thoughts, and the vast void seem to be Deanna’s biggest problem.

She had the potential to change everything, the void, the nothingness, all of it. But for her potential to change it all, she lacked the motivation. Deanna lacked the sheer will or want to do anything. While this qualified as a problem for some, it was just everyday life to Deanna. Some days she did more than others. Some days she genuinely tried. Most days she faked it. This was one of those days. Thankfully her friend Megan had canceled their plans for dinner earlier that evening. Her grandmother was sick for the upteenth time. Deanna did feel badly for Megan and her family, but she also had come to expect it. After all, there are only so many illnesses one Grandma can take before she kicks it. It had worked out to Deanna’s benefit though, since now she hadn’t been the one to cancel.

She had almost felt guilt during your conversation with Allison. Alison, who’d been so excited to make future plans with Deanna, had clearly forgotten the moods her friend so frequently found herself in. Perhaps it wasn’t forgetting as far as Allison was concerned, perhaps she just didn’t know Deanna as well as she thought she had. Most people didn’t know Deanna as well as they thought they did. While she was mostly to blame for that, she sometimes was taken aback by the lack of attentiveness or attention to detail given by her “best friends.”

Days where Deanna realized this were the hardest. It meant the thoughts that whirled throughout her vastness would include an analysis of those who would miss her, those who would notice, and those who would remain indifferent. Not that it truly matter to Deanna, because if she ceased to exist the person who would be most impacted would be herself. Since she would be gone, she would no longer have to worry about the thoughts, our schedules, or needs of everyone else. Being gone would allowed Deanna to stop focusing on all of those other things. Perhaps in her afterlife she could focus on herself in a healthy manner.

Deanna laughed at her own cruel joke. For she knew better than anyone there was nothing she could do to change her lack of everything. She was certain The Emptiness would stay with her regardless of what playing field she occupied. Deanna shut her show off in contempt for its existence. She had been accused by her boyfriend amongst others for losing herself in TV shows she wouldn’t pay any mind to. She maintained it wasn’t the TV’s fault she didn’t feel like doing anything. Her argument fell on deaf ears. She was somehow supposed to be the same as everyone else, but better. Again, it was something that was Deanna’s own fault. She was the one who faked it constantly. The one who stayed busy, achieved things at work, did stuff and things.

Never quite enough stuff or things could Deanna accomplish to change how she felt inside. Or to change how everyone perceived her moments of taking a break from faking it. For a group of oblivious people, they incorrectly observed her behavior when she did stop for a moment. Not that it helped her the rest of the time, but on some level it felt almost reassuring to know that they noticed. Deanna had a hard time concluding whether she was mad, mad, correct, or incorrect. Deanna had a hard time with most things.

Deanna felt a surge of emotion. The TV had finally shut down at the same time Deanna’s thoughts began to race: Rosa and him and he is covered by the end it wa and I will have a good day at the front of my life will be in my life will project the future should I have to do a little bit ago for a while someone else might be able or not the other way to the other day that is the best time ever for me and my mom and my mom is a good day at work but it’s a great time at work but it’s a little more pleasant to have to go out with the same time for the next few that I can get a few more days to answer this time of the day of my trip last week so people would be better to do this but I’m still in my car to go out to my mom’s home in an organized form and then I’m gonna get a little more nudge-y and then I’ll b I will have a good day and my house will go shooting and the other one I can do it in my car…

Deanna felt the breath surge throughout her chest. It was as if she thought so hard she exhausted herself physically. Somehow she admitted to the bathroom. It was as though her thoughts have brought her here, does she couldn’t quite recall what she had been thinking about. Deanna looked at her face in the mirror, it was drawn and tired. She wasn’t sure it was her own face that she was looking at, but she threw some water on it, dried it off, and got it ready for bed. Without looking at the time Deanna continued into her room, took off all of her clothes leaving them in a heap on the floor, and through her dirty tank top on talking herself into bed. Deanna might not have known much on a regular basis, but she knew the best thing was to head to bed at times like these. Prefer had exploded, her heart got overwhelmed and stopped, or if she felt a sudden urge to make a permanent decision, at least she would be in bed. Hopefully sleeping, dreaming of things like mermaids and snow storms and of ancient times past.

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